And those people, the family I’ve chosen, are whom I’ll be celebrating today. The most important thing I’ve learned in my fatherless decade is that letting go of bad people makes room for really good people. But you’re not alone and you’re going to be okay. Not the biological nightmare I ended up with, but a dad who embodies all the greeting card sentiments. It’s a lil sad! Sometimes I wish I had a dad. That we have an official holiday for Fathers (and Mothers/Grandparents/Siblings/whatever) does not in any way invalidate your experiences and the choice to end a relationship. And having a Bad Dad (or any bad relation!) is not a reflection on you or your worth. You know your own heart and needs better than anyone else. If anyone (even your own family!) tries to guilt you for not associating with an abuser… it should be clear that they’re the deranged ones, not you. I’m here to tell you that idea is bananas. We have cultivated a ludicrous adherence to biological ties as an absolution of all wrongdoing. I was made to feel such guilt and shame for refusing to continue a relationship with a clinically ill and dangerous man, just because he was my father. Consequently, the first few years of my freedom/liberation/estrangement were wildly difficult. In the beginning, I couldn’t believe how much pressure there was from acquaintances, friends, and even family members to “make amends” and “not burn bridges” – and these were people who had borne witness to years of abuse. My life is really good now, and it’s in large part due to the fact that my Very Bad Dad isn’t part of my life.īut it took me a long time to feel okay about it. It sucked so much! (I’m using exclamation points because I don’t want you to feel too bad about this!) Eventually, I lived out my favorite The National song: left my home, changed my name, and now I’m eating my cake. That dude was not a good dude!Įven after extracting myself, I was stalked, threatened, and further terrorized by him. It was not good, friends! It was physical, emotional, financial, and yep, probably all those other checkboxes you’re wondering about, too. My memories of my childhood are of being abused by my dad, and of watching him abuse my mom and sister. I’m not nostalgic for my childhood because most of it was such an abusive and fearful time. And it was only by entering that estrangement that I’ve been able to blossom and grow. I haven’t had a relationship with my biological father in nearly a decade. But, y’know, the personal is political, so here we are. I’ve been hesitant to share too much of my personal history here, mostly because I know some ~hate commenters~ will use it to derail our conversations. And when your reality doesn’t fit that narrative, holidays such as this one can be painful and difficult. It’s okay!ĭespite overwhelming evidence that we’re social creatures who thrive in community situations, we have a heavy-handed cultural mythos that holds up the heteronormative nuclear family as the One True family. Maybe you have a dad, and he’s not great, and you feel conflicted today. Maybe you have two moms and aren’t even paying attention to this holiday. Maybe you have a single mom and you want to give her some extra love today. Maybe your dad has died and you feel that loss immensely today. It’s okay to be sad and it’s okay to be indifferent. It’s okay to have complicated and confusing emotions. It’s okay to feel less-than-thrilled about today. If you’re feeling down today because you don’t have a dad, don’t have a relationship with a dad, have a bad/absent/abusive dad, it’s okay. In case you haven’t been paying attention to the annual onslaught of “Dads and Grads!!!” advertising, today is Father’s Day in the United States, If you have a happy relationship with a good dad, take some time to celebrate that.